Presidents Day edition

There has never been a U.S. president from Rhode Island and, while you should never say never, let’s face it, the chances of it happening are slimmer than the odds that people will get tired of these computer thingamabobs and go back to newspapers.

Rhode Island’s irrelevance is such that many presidents don’t even bother to stop by for a wiener and a coffee milk while they’re campaigning. George W. Bush only managed one trip, late in his term, when he flew to the Naval War College in Newport and spoke for 45 minutes. Of course, W had an aversion to Blue States, but Rhode Island’s odd history with presidents goes all the way back to the beginning. In 1789, George Washington, upset that the colony still hadn’t agreed to statehood, made a horseback journey through all of the territories comprising the new union while pointedly omitting Rhode Island from the tour. One year later, he came back for the chowder after Rhode Island became the last of the 13 colonies to ratify the Constitution.

Abe Lincoln, who is trendier than Brangelina all of a sudden after President Barack Obama was sworn in with his Bible and created a Cabinet (not the Rhode Island ice-cream shake kind) based on his “Team of Rivals” concept, visited Little Rhody thrice. The first time, in 1848, he did nothing more than change trains in Providence. But in 1860 Lincoln made two visits, speaking about slavery in February at the old train station in what is now Kennedy Plaza and again in March in Woonsocket. This year, in honor of the 200th anniversary of his birth, R.I. Lincoln scholar Frank J. Williams created the Web site “Abraham Lincoln Bicentennial 2009-RI,” which, among other details, chronicles Honest Abe’s Rhody adventures.

George H. W. Bush famously held his R.I. fund-raising dinner at The Rhode Island Shore Dining Hall at Rocky Point Park. The late, lamented amusement park was also the site of the first presidential phone call. Rutherford B. Hayes, enjoying a summer clambake at Rocky Point, got up from a plate of steamers to take the call from Alexander Graham Bell, who was staying in Providence. His famous first words? “Please speak a little more slowly.”

What is your favorite story involving Rhode Island and a U.S. president?

Not So E-Z

Nothing comes E-Z in Rhode Island, especially the state’s first E-ZPass, which has replaced the tolls on the Newport Bridge. The tolls were gone by St. Brigid’s Day (Feb. 1), but the resulting mess felt more like Groundhog Day, as the inconveniences started to multiply. Some people ordered their devices weeks ago online, and still haven’t received them. Others had to endure an interminable wait in the E-ZPass line just below the bridge in Jamestown. (For the story of my experience, read below.) Last week my editor received her first E-ZPass bill in the mail and it included trips taken through the Lincoln Tunnel and the George Washington Bridge. Turns out that the truck transporting the transponders went through those Middle Atlantic state tolls, and Rhode Islanders who picked up those devices for their own cars also picked up the fees. Just another mess for the R.I. Bridge and Turnpike Authority, which has already seen a half-dozen drivers blow through the bars at the E-ZPass tolls.

Taking its toll
From the moment she stepped through the doorway, the little gray-haired lady with fiery eyes and a sharp tongue made it clear that she was out for blood – Rhode Island blood.
“This is a stupid state,” she said, as the line wound out the door to the makeshift E-ZPass acquisition office at the R.I. Bridge and Turnpike Authority complex in Jamestown. “There isn’t a stupider state in the United States. They should split it up and give it to Connecticut and Massachusetts.”
“They already tried that,” she was told. “Didn’t work. We resisted.”
But the lady didn’t want to hear about history.
“Well, they should try again,” she said. “Anything to get rid of this stupid state.” Random timing being what it is, I had the misfortune of being the person in line in front of the anti-Rhode Islander. Reading the novel I had brought with me in anticipation of a long wait wasn’t possible under the circumstances. She was full of spit and vinegar, poison and vitriol.
“Everything this state does is stupid,” she said.
Most of three dozen or so applicants avoided eye contact and gently ignored her ravings, presumably respectful of her age and frail appearance. A few even commiserated. But she wouldn’t let up.
“I mean, have you ever seen such a stupid thing in your life as this,” she asked, as we filed one by one into the boxy building with bad carpet and slid seat by seat down cheap mismatched chairs to wait for our turn to purchase an E-ZPass. “This stuff would never happen in ‘Joisey.’ That’s where I’m from. ‘Joisey.’”
By now we had established the waiting room rhythm that would tick like a time bomb for the next hour. In a setting that was a cross between “The Office” and the annex to Dante’s “Inferno,” the little old lady ruled as the Queen of Darkness, peppering her speech with liberal doses of “stupid” and “Joisey.”
I tried keeping my head riveted to the middle paragraph of a stripper scene in “The Garden of Last Days” by Andre Dubus III. But Joisey Queen kept interrupting.
“You hear what they removed from those old token machines,” she asked, rhetorically, since no one was answering. “Wads of gum, Peppermint Patties, slugs, Chuck E. Cheese tokens, old Irish money. Nobody even used tokens in this stupid state.”
We all scooted over to the next musical chair. As she got up to move, a man from the seated aisle asked, “Why are you here?”
“I had to come up and be near my daughter,” she said. “Now they’re moving to Florida and I’m going to be stuck here.”
The gentleman next to me leaned over and whispered: “Wonder why.”
She appeared to have no social graces. When a young man took a seat at the table, she blurted out: “Look at him. So young to be carrying so much weight. That’ll kill him.” He was three feet away from her. In surprise, he turned to look and she said, “What a shame.”
Directly in front of us, one of the workers took over for another. She was wearing an attractive blouse that revealed a little cleavage.
“That’s no way to dress for work,” the lady grumbled. Later, as several customers got out of their chairs and workers started preparing for the next wave, the lady said: “Look at this. Not one of them is working.” Even though all of them were working.
Finally, the lady joined me at the table.
“It’s about time,” she said to the woman in front of her. “Well, get on with it.”
“Don’t let her get the pass for 83 cents,” said one guy still in line, finally fed up with the running commentary. “She’s got nothing good to say about Rhode Island.”
The lady ignored him, asking the temp: “Where were you born?”
“Rhode Island.”
“Despicable,” the lady said. “Disgusting.”
“You could move,” the temp said, clearly taken aback. “I like it here.”
“I’m stuck here,” the lady said.
“The other 49 states already kicked her out,” said 83-cent man.
“Why is this taking so long,” the lady asked.
“We’ve had some trouble with the system,” the temp said.
“Typical. Stupid Rhode Island.”
“Actually, the system comes from New Jersey,” the temp said.
“‘Joisey.’ I wish I’d never left.”
“So do we,” said 83-cent man. “God help us.”

This week’s question: What Newport Bridge token substitute will you miss tossing the most?

Oscars Wild

Rhode Island’s sudden prominence in the Academy Awards prompted a bit of a journey to “the Google,” where I discovered a link to the “Top Movies Filmed in Rhode Island.”

“Little Children” (2006)
“Rain Man” (1988)
“Tiger Bay” (1959)
“Reversal of Fortune” (1990)
“There’s Something About Mary” (1998)
“True Lies” (1994)
“Thirteen Days” (2000)
“Amistad” (1997)
“The Ring” (2002)
“Romper Stomper” (1992)

Notice anything unusual? At least five of those films have no Rhode Island in them whatsoever. A thousand Kevin Bacons couldn’t make the connection. The only Rhode Island link to “Romper Stomper,” starring a relatively unknown Russell Crowe in a film set in Melbourne, Australia, is the fact that in 1992 I was in Melbourne, watching it.

The Ocean State is carving out a reputation as a Hollywood back lot. From the third season of “Brotherhood” on Showtime to the Richard Gere dog-bonding movie “Hachiko: A Dog’s Story,” Rhody locations from Woonsocket to Westerly are getting a digital workout (which sounds, come to think of it, like one of those phrases we should never use again). The Rhody celluloid universe has even made it to France, where the romantic comedy “Dan in Real Life,” (2006) starring Steve Carrell and Juliette Binoche, is known as “Love at First Sight in Rhode Island.”

Leading to this week’s question: What is your favorite Rhode Island movie moment?

My choice is a bit of a cheat, since the movie was actually filmed on Martha’s Vineyard, but it’s the scene of Quint (Robert Shaw) drinking Narragansett lager in “Jaws.” In the 1970s, nothing said Rhode Island better than slamming a Gansett and crushing the can.

Only in Rhode Island
Sports fans succumb to occasional tribal madness, but you don’t often see them actually run onto the court during games to protest non-calls by a referee. Providence College Friar fan Jonathan Xavier’s on-court confrontation at the Dunkin’ Donuts Center was captured on national television. What makes the deed so Rhody-worthy is that he was defending the honor of his brother Jeff, a PC point guard who had been struck in the eye by a Marquette player. And what elevates it to Spinal Tap 11 status, giving it that little bit extra Rhodiness, is the fact that he was arrested and held without bail for allegedly breaking the terms of his probation from a 2005 drug conviction. When it comes to stories, the Naked City has nothing over Friar Town.

Wicked Pissah nominees
In a special category for best use of the adjective, “wicked,” we bring you the following quote by cellist Yo-Yo Ma from the Perspectives page in this week’s edition of Newsweek. The cellist was commenting on the decision by event planners to broadcast a recording of classical musicians playing at the Presidential Inauguration, rather than their live performance:

A broken string was not an option. It was wicked cold.

Exiled English

Lake Superior State University recently came out with its 2009 list of banished words and phrases, suggesting several expressions that should be immediately stricken from the popular lexicon. Among them are:

Green (as a substitute for “environmental,” such as “green business,” “going green,” “green solutions,” etc.)
Bailout
First Dude
Maverick
Carbon footprint
Game changer
Staycation
Desperate search
Not so much
Winner of five nominations
It’s that time of year again
Monkey (when used as an adjective)
The Wall Street/Main Street comparison

The university has compiled this list since 1976, but its efforts to exile certain expressions to Tower of Babel oblivion have met with mixed results. Rhode Islanders will note, for example, that the word “awesome” – a common Rhody expression of praise, heightened by adding a “wicked” before it – has appeared twice on the list (1984, 2007) but is still in popular use. (List-makers so far have not cast a disparaging eye at journalism’s favorite measuring-stick phrase, the “size of Rhode Island.”)

A look back reveals certain themes within the overall list. Many, like “first dude” and “maverick,” are prompted by political or presidential campaign fatigue. Past examples include “chad” (2001), “enemy combatant” (2005), “battleground state” (2005), “Blue State/Red State” (2005), “grass roots” (1993), “mandate” (1985) and “spin doctor” (1989.)

Some are annoying pop cultural references. Among them: “bling” or “bling-bling” (2004), “consumer confidence” (1995, the last time we had any), “da bomb” (1998), “dawg” (2006), “designer breed” (2006), “e-anything” (2000), “i-anything” (2007), “mc-anything” (1986), “metrosexual” (2004), “must-see TV” (2003), “perfect storm” (2008), “person of interest” (2006) and “truthiness” (2007).

Some are just bad English: “Capture alive” (2004), “clearly ambiguous” (1994), “close proximity” (1980), “definite possibilities” (1993), “final destination” (2001), “funeralized” (1998), “most complete” (1993), “near miss” (1985), “new innovation” (1990), “same difference” (1987), “totally unique” (2002) and “trained professional” (1993).

In anticipation of the 2010 banished words list: What words or phrases should just go away?

Some possibilities:
Starter wife
Exit strategy
-challenged (as in “height-challenged, weight-challenged, math-challenged”).
Any scandal ending in “-gate”
Any big event ending in “-stock” or “-palooza”
In these economic times (contributed by Rob Clark, occasional Half Shell reader and friend since the days of gym class and “brown-bagging it” at hot lunch).

Extra, extra

Too many quahogs, not enough time (or wampum, but that’s another story). Just wanted to pass along a few Rhody-centric tidbits before resuming with our traditional Monday blog. The first comes from today’s sports pages in The New York Times. It’s an eccentric piece comparing former free agent Mark Texeira, who spurned the Red Sox to don the dreaded Pinstripes, with lifelong Red Sox fan Mark Texeira, a respected jazz and blues drummer from Pawtucket, who has been taking grief ever since his namesake went all Yankee on us. The story touches on Rhode Island culture, especially the local fascination with baseball and the Sox-Yankees rivalry and the state’s intimate connection to Portugal (noting that up to 10 percent of Rhode Islanders claim Portuguese heritage). The good Texeira even attended the world’s longest professional baseball game as a kid. The bad Texeira has no comment on the story.

Rhodywood
Congratulations to Rhode Island actors Richard Jenkins and Viola Davis for being nominated for Academy Awards. Jenkins, the longtime Trinity Repertory Theater actor and director who still lives in Cumberland, received a best actor nomination for his performance as a lonely widower in “The Visitor.” Davis, who grew up in Central Falls and graduated from Rhode Island College, earned a best supporting actress nomination for her role as a mother who learns some hard news about her son in “Doubt.”
The R.I. International Film Festival also had a good day. Three short films that premiered at RIIFF were nominated for Oscars. They include “This Way Up,” from the United Kingdom, nominated for best animated short and two films nominated for best live action short – “New Boy” from Ireland and “Spielzeugland” (Toyland) from Germany.

Rhody Universe: Good ink?
Tuesday’s Presidential Inauguration was marked in Rhode Island by the news that Rhody’s own A.T. Cross Company made the pen that President Obama used to sign a series of inauguration documents and executive orders. With just a week’s notice, the Lincoln-based business (founded in Providence in 1846) was selected by the Obama-Biden transition team to provide the presidential pens. The Cross Townsend black lacquer rolling-ball pens feature the presidential coat of arms and are engraved with Obama’s signature on the barrel. The company’s Web site already has a replica pen available for $135, along with a version in 10-karat gold.
But like most things in Rhody, beware of the fine print: The pens were engraved in the home office at Lincoln but they were made in China.

Today’s ‘Only in Rhode Island’ moment
While driving the two-lane Wampanoag Trail into Providence, morning commuters came upon two orange Road Work Ahead signs. The one in the left lane read: Right Lane Closed. The one in the right lane read: Left Lane Closed. Thankfully, the drunken conga line of cars swerving and braking resulted in no accidents as drivers tried to figure out which of the signs was wrong. (For the record: It was the left sign.)

Obama the President Has a Posse

If you walked around the East Side of Providence in the late 1980s and early ’90s, you probably remember the sticker-face of wrestler Andre the Giant staring back at you from stop signs, telephone poles, Dumpsters and kiosks. Mysterious messages – “Andre the Giant Has a Posse” and “OBEY” – often accompanied the mugs, which were the work of Rhode Island School of Design student Shepard Fairey, who turned guerilla street art into a career. Fairey, now living in Los Angeles, is the artist who created the most indelible image of the Obama campaign, the red-white-and-blue screened portrait paired with the word “HOPE” (coincidentally, Rhode Island’s motto).

A proponent of Heidegger’s theory of phenomenology, Fairey has already played a role in the Obama phenomenon. But even he couldn’t have predicted the boom in all things Barack, when every other economic indicator has gone bust.

On the eve of tomorrow’s Inauguration Day, everybody wants a piece of Obama. The Washington Post and The New York Times have reported at length on the numbers of official and unofficial souvenir stores and sidewalk stands popping up in D.C., mostly in the Penn Quarter area, selling Obama swag.

Along with the traditional President Obama pens, pins, posters, T-shirts, toques, bumper stickers, can openers, paperweights, pint glasses, commemorative plates, commemorative coins, stamps, lighters, license plates, wristbands and wristwatches, there are Obama guitars (and straps), signature baseballs, dog tags, retro mousepads, coloring books and glow-in-the-dark refrigerator magnets. You can get an “Obama ’08” glowing neon sign, a “Barack on Broadway” playbill, an Obama bobblehead, Obama/Biden cookies, Obama keychain (with retractable knife, ruler, bottle opener and fingernail file) and even an Obama Advent calendar. There are also Obama Metro fare cards for the D.C. area, candy bars, wine, yo-yos, piggy banks, designer tote bags, “Hope on a Rope” soap, Obama Inauguration Hot Sauce, “Hope and Change” necklaces and Obama toilet paper (just for show; the ink is toxic).

There are buttons galore, including a stumping Homer Simpson (“Homer for Obama”) and a troll doll constituent (“Trollin’ for Obama”). Obama trading cards, cigar box cases, a magnet series, playing cards (with George W. Bush and John McCain as the jokers), “I Kiss Barack” lipstick and chapstick, and Obama Post-It note holders (for good ideas). Hallmark has put out a “Yes You Can” greeting card. Instead of Teddy Bears (a classic child’s toy inspired by former President Teddy Roosevelt), we now have Obama Bears. A toy also prompted the invention of Barack-in-the-box. (Although wasn’t Jack-in-the-box intended to give kids a fright? And, if so, wouldn’t Cheney-in-the-bunker be more appropriate?)

Among the weirdest: A “Live Long and Prosper” Obama Vulcan T-shirt with Barack flashing the Vulcan greeting, appealing to the “Trek” geek demographic. And a mock debate figure set, complete with lecterns, flags and the trappings of a TV studio. The strange part? Obama and Hillary Clinton are depicted debating one another – as skeletons.

The New York Times reports that Obama sex toys are flying off the shelves. We’ll leave those to the imagination, but even though the novelty of the McCain condom has worn off, the Obama condom (“Use with Good Judgment”) is still going strong. On a related note, one of the oddest top-selling items is the Inauguration Obama thong.

The Ikea store has created a replica of the Oval Office in Washington’s Union Station under the banner “Change Begins at Home.” Inside the train station, the words “HOPE” and “OPTIMISM” are on display, with the Os replaced by Pepsi logos.

Every successful revolution eventually ends up a commodity. Some small hope then, as we try to Obama our way out of our economic morass.

This week’s question (now that the Obama administration is using “Hope” as its working mantra): If Rhode Island had to come up with a new motto, what would it be?

Quickie for Size
My father passed along this e-mail making note of another “size of Rhode Island” reference, after watching “Bill Moyers Journal” on PBS. Moyers was interviewing historian Simon Schama, whose four-part mini-series “The American Future: A History” airs on the BBC.

Schama was commenting on the American Dream and its derailment during this critical time and he said: "You can’t have Hummers the size of Rhode Island."

Wicked bloggah

The Rhode Island lexicon is filled with words and phrases rarely spoken outside of Providence Plantations. These include: “Not for nothin’” (also the name for a popular blog on Rhode Island politics). “You’re killing me” (the standard answer when anybody asks you to do anything). And “no duh” (the appropriate response to someone stating the obvious – and acceptable as an epitaph).

Yet despite the frequent use of double negatives, Rhode Islanders are quick to praise – especially when we can stick a “wicked” in front of the word. In fact, it’s no duh to suggest that any adjective sounds better with a “wicked” introducing it.

What I’m working up to here is the official highest praise of Rhode Island. I mean, not for nothin’, but there’s a linguistic hierarchy to these things.

“Wicked good.” As in “Most Rhode Islanders think Barack Obama will be a wicked good president.”

“Wicked excellent.” As in “Heath Ledger was wicked excellent in ‘The Dark Knight.’”

“Wicked awesome.” As in “Did you see the wicked beat-down Milan Lucic gave Komisarek last night in the Bruins game? That was wicked awesome!”

But the absolute wicked highest official praise of Rhode Island is the phrase:

“Wicked pissah.” As in “That chowdah was wicked pissah” or “That lobstah was wicked pissah” or “That Flip Wilson … he was wicked pissah.”

So let the world have its Nobel Prizes. If there were an award for the highest acclaim, accolade or achievement in Rhode Island, it’s no duh what we’d call it: The Wicked Pissahs. In fact, let’s start one now. Send all Wicked Pissah-worthy nominations to Blog on the Half Shell.

As for this week’s question: Not for nothin,’ but what wicked Rhode Island expression do youze use most often?