The Kitsch List

The Russian Sub Museum in Providence was always an odd detour, and now that its star attraction, a Soviet-era K-77 submarine, is destined for an afterlife as recycled scrap metal, the state’s best Boris and Natasha road trip is just another Cold War memory. Too bad, since reports of two modern Russian subs skulking about off the East Coast have been all over the papers and blogs in recent weeks. Maybe one of them wants to be the next Rhode Island museum.

The sub that sank is also a significant blow to the local kitsch list. Before it bottomed out, it fit perfectly into Rhody’s Land of Misfit Toys, a collection that includes:

The Big Blue Bug, a giant cobalt-colored termite hanging over I-95 in Providence, the mascot of New England Pest Control and a party animal typically decorated during holidays;
The Quonset Seabee, wearing a white Navy hat and holding a wrench and a Tommy gun, the mascot of the famed Fighting Seabees, who were stationed in Davisville;
The abandoned Milk Bottle Building in Manville, which may or may not even be there anymore, since I can’t remember the last time I found myself in Manville;
Assorted human-sized, artistically rendered Mr. Potato Heads that sprouted up around the state a few years back. Invented by Hasbro of Pawtucket, Mr. Potato Head earned sidekick star status in the “Toy Story” movies, but jumped the shark as a goofy Rhode Island tourism campaign in 2000.

Some kitsch seems to stick around forever, like the Roof Dragon on the Providence Children’s Museum. Others drop by for a few weeks of bad taste then disappear, like the giant inflatable purple gorilla in a bathing suit I saw hanging from a car dealership while I drove down Route 2 earlier this summer. Cling Kong was somehow supposed to entice me to drop in and buy a car, I guess, but it seems to me they might have done better with a giant, inflatable Fay Wray.

In any case, it’s never a good thing to lose a Russian nuclear sub, whether it belonged here or not. More importantly, Rhode Islanders have to step up and preserve what’s left of our kitsch, lest we be considered a place defined entirely by good taste and a sense of style and aesthetic. Please. Who wants that?

This week’s question: What belongs on the Rhode Island kitsch list?

Also, Half Shell will be on holiday next week, testing the waters off Martha’s Vineyard and bottom feeding for blog fodder. Until next time, keep it raw...